Men Focus On Looks, Women Look At Everything
One of the most fascinating things about being a dating coach and matchmaker is that I get to see - up close and personal - just how different men and women are.
I am not here to judge, but to point it out so men and women can learn from one another. It’s instructive for both sides to know what the other is thinking.
I have found that in the online dating arena, men really do focus on one thing: looks. You don’t have to be supermodel hot, but have to have their look. Women have to try to look good. Dumpy photos just don’t work.
When I speak to men, their main gripes center on attraction. They say the attractive women don’t respond back to their emails. Or that when they end up on a date with the woman, she looks less attractive than her picture. I know, cruel, right? But it’s what they tell me.
The women, on the other hand, have much more wide-ranging complaints. They tend to look at profiles and think about whether the man will make a good boyfriend and if they see something odd about the profile, or too sexual, they think he is only in it for a hook-up, and that he isn’t that smart, and they start losing interest.
Some of the things that drive women crazy include:
- Emails from men who take photos of themselves in their bathroom, with or without their shirts on. A woman would never think to do this. She would try to get it professionally done. Or if she did take a selfie, and did take it in the bathroom, she would try not to let people know she was in a bathroom. Men don’t care. I have tried to tell women not to judge too harshly and to give these men a chance. I think a lot of these men are probably good guys but they just don’t realize that it’s a turnoff for a lot of women. So I’m here to tell you guys, that it is. I’m also here to tell women that they should lighten up and try not to judge too harshly. Men don’t think like us and sometimes they put things in their profile that rub you the wrong way, yet they still could be good guys.
- Men who take photos surrounded by a bevy of women. These photos also drive women nuts. They see that and wonder: “Who is he trying to impress?” They think you are insecure and that is why you put up a photo of yourself surrounded by women. Or they think you are a player.
- Men who put up 20 photos, all of places they have visited, and one photo of them with their sunglasses on. Or they post a photo of themselves that is so dark, it’s hard to see their face.
- Photos of them with all their kids and/or photos only of their kids. Their kids aren’t online dating. It’s not fair for them to be up there and women are sensitive to that and it drives them crazy. They think so much less of you.
- When men ask “So what are you looking for on this site?” The women I work with are serious minded about relationships. They are beautiful and smart and they aren’t looking for flings. So when they see this, they think “I wonder if he’s asking because he’s looking for a fling.” Some women don’t even email guys back for this reason. Guys, this is just something to think about.
- Form letters are a huge turnoff for women. Most women don’t even respond to these. If you can’t bother to read their profile and mention something about their profile in your email to them, they probably won’t email you back. At least the quality women, with high self-esteem, won’t. Form letters also show absolutely no interest in the woman as a person and I get why women may want to ignore those.
- Guys who say they aren’t looking for drama or games. Women immediately do think the reason “drama and game” are at the forefront of your mind is because you do play games and are used to drama in your life. They are cautious. When they share their concerns with me, I tell them not to immediately “next” a guy like this, but just make a note and see how he turns out.
The bottom line is this:
If you are a man, it’s worth reading the list to see if you are a serious offender. Some of these transgressions are relatively minor - like taking a selfie in the bathroom. On the other hand, a guy with no photos, or with only a photo shading his face, immediately turns women off because they think you are hiding something, and they may be right.
As for what I would tell women, make sure you have an honest photo up that also shows you in the best light - great hair and makeup and clothes.
Online dating is visual. Men are visual. Put your best foot forward and be the best you can be on the outside. It’s not shallow. In the dating world, if you want to attract a man you have to be the best you can be. Take care of yourself and show off your best assets.
Women should also try to give guys who don’t put up perfect profiles a chance. Guys don't think about this stuff quite as much as women do. Meet him in person and then you will see.
Good luck dating out there and if you want to take your dating game to the next level - with inside tips on the opposite sex - schedule a consultation! My one-hour package includes four weekly follow up check ins!