Sometimes an easygoing guy is a great guy, and other times he's indifferent and apathetic about you. The longer you date, the easier it is to figure out which is which.
This is why I advocate multi-dating. Because the man who seems so great in the beginning can turn into a complete cad a few months in.
One woman I know dated a man whose online dating profile said something like: "easygoing, laid back and down-to-earth, treats everyone well."
He seemed that way early on, and on the surface.
Ultimately, he turned out to be indifferent, entitled, heartless, and quite cold. He planned a fishing trip for her birthday (because he liked to fish), and when that fell through because his friends weren't available for the trip, he skipped her birthday. He basically never said one word when her cat died. He essentially ghosted without saying anything after they'd been together many months.
Morale of the story is words are just words until they're backed up by the actions of a good man who is moving a relationship forward in the right way.
Have you ever dated an easygoing guy who turned out to be indifferent? Feel free to share your story below.
“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
― Elie Wiesel
If you would like to apply to work together to learn to weed out time wasters, date like a confident "it girl," and learn to understand men, apply here to work with me:
There are so many reasons why this is bad.
It boils down to boundaries. Having blurred boundaries with an ex, or in general, can mess up a good thing or prevent you from getting into a good thing.
People in unhealthy relationships or those who seem to find themselves in bad relationships often have blurry boundaries in general and that includes staying too close to exes and others who aren't good for them. When you strengthen your boundaries overall, your relationships become better in all areas of your life.
An ex is an ex for a reason. Even if your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband is a great guy, you should focus on meeting other men. Frankly, I see too many women clinging to exes—who were bad for them—for low-level reasons, including for financial perks, a shoulder to cry on, and help when they get into an emergency situation, like a car accident. That's what AAA is for. That's what family, friends, neighbors, support groups, etc. etc. etc., are for.
And there's no reason for a woman to ever give an ex a gift for a holiday or any other occasion. Unless you're divorced and you have a 5-year-old child together, for example, and your child wants to give "daddy" a Father's Day (or whatever holiday) gift. You should buy a gift so your 5-year-old can give his father a gift. Beyond that, gift giving to an ex is extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional and evidence of very poor boundaries. Plus, masculine men don't want gifts, especially from ex-es. (More on gift giving in another blog).
This isn't to say you're nasty to your ex. If you have to be in touch, you have to be in touch, but keep it at a surface level. You may need to stay in touch because of your children, or due to professional or other reasons, but even in those cases, be cordial, but that's it.
If you're having problems with your current boyfriend, the last person on earth you should be talking to is your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband. If you're doing this, it means you need new and better friends.
If your ex is happy and in love, leave him be. It’s bad karma to mess with a man who’s taken. If he's a healthy guy who has moved on and is in a healthy relationship, he'll be happy you're leaving him alone.
And if he’s the type of guy who has a weak ego that needs to be fed by weird drama, stay away. If he's one of those messed-up guys who loves messed-up relationships, you may be feeding his sick ego by staying in his life, and he may be using your calls and presence in a sick attempt to make his current girlfriend or wife jealous.
Former or latter, you don't want any part of either scenario. You have your own beautiful life to focus on.
Some clients have asked me what to say to an ex when they run into him at work or elsewhere. These women don't have children in common or professional reasons to be in touch, but they wonder if they should be polite. If he was a decent guy who treated you well, you can be polite and cordial, of course. But if the guy turned out to be a creep, steer clear. He doesn't deserve a second of your precious time. Don't squander the sexy!
Ghosting is one of those dating terms that's been bandied about in the press as an abhorrent dating trend.
People talk about it like it's a bad thing.
Sure, when a man ghosts he's certainly Mr. Wrong. But this is a good thing because it shows you his true colors sooner rather than later. It's saves you time.
When a man disappears without a breakup speech, that's communication. When he says: "I'll call you," after a great first date and then disappears, that's also communication.
Silence is your answer loud and clear.
He could very well be a bad news guy who is not relationship material, and will likely make up some excuse that doesn't mean anything anyway.
Heed the silence and move on.
There's no need to ever follow up with a man, asking him questions as to why he disappeared. That's way beneath your dignity. When it's Mr. Right, you know it.
Sure, it would be nice if all men could be respectful to someone they've slept with and spent time with, and give a respectful closure conversation. But not all men are great guys. Be thankful when this type of guy leaves your life.
This is why I suggest women have lots of balls in the air while dating, even when dating someone they like. Go slow on accepting exclusivity. Keep your online dating profile up for as long as you can, until you're sure you're with a good guy.
A lot can happen. Often times men are charming early on, and their true colors aren't apparent until a few months in.
I'll be coming to a theater near you! That is, if you live in Connecticut. If you do, make sure to get your tickets to my "Listen to Your Heart," event at the Palace Theater in Waterbury. I'll be there on Jan. 11, it's a Saturday, and I will take the stage at noon.
This speaking engagement is part of the Palace Theater's 2ND ACT series.
I explain how my 2ND ACT came from the heart, and I will help you figure out your 2ND ACT. Or if you already know what it is, I'll give you tips on how to succeed business wise.
As many of you know, I'm a dating and relationship expert, and former matchmaker, who helps women date with self-esteem and boundaries, and find true love.
If you're looking for love in all the wrong places, come on out and hear me share secrets to finding love in the 21st century.
Here's the link to purchase tickets. Hope to see you all there.
Do you want to get crystal clear on your Mr. Forever, so clear and confident in what you want, that you have no choice but to MAN-ifest it?
What if I told you, you could get there.
For only $29.
That's the cost of my Getting Clarity on Mr. Forever workbook with 5 days of lessons.
E-mail email@example.com for the 5-day workbook.
Here's a quick snapshot of the booklet:
❤️ Day 1 - Getting Clear on Your Ideal Man and Why You Want Him.
❤️ Day 2 - How Does This Clarity Feel?
❤️ Day 3 - What if He Showed Up Today? Are You Ready?
❤️ Day 4 - Just Make One Change or Shift Today.
❤️ Day 5 - How to Feel it Into Existence.
If you aren't crystal clear, you may still have work to do.If you think Mr. Forever is coming, you will get him.
But first, you need to get clarity on what you want
before you can get it.
Clarity is powerful.
It is about getting super definite about the details.
The universe loves details. Plus, clarity leads to confidence,
which is sexy and exactly the state of mind you need to be in to find your dream guy.
If you are on that hamster wheel and struggling to find that special someone, your mindset could need work. It could very well be the missing link.
Life is too short to be miserable! Even if you get him, if you are not happy, what's the point?
Upgrade to Tinder Gold if you want the best results.
Basic Tinder can work in limited cases. But, it’s better to pay the extra $30 or so a month for Tinder Gold.
The reason is because Tinder Gold allows you to see who picked you first. This way, you’re swiping on a pool of men who already liked you.
When you have basic Tinder, this balance can get messed up. I’ll explain a scenario that can occur if you have basic Tinder and a man has Tinder Gold.
Say you’re swiping and you see a guy who has Tinder Gold. You swipe right because you think he’s cute and interesting. He sees you pop up in his queue of people who liked him. He may not have picked you (he may have swiped left on you), but because you’re in his queue, he’s like “Why not?” and swipes right. He may pursue you a little, but if it’s not ardent pursuit, what’s the point?
It’s a waste of your time.
So better to have Tinder Gold so you know who’s swiping right on you from the beginning. Men are visual and they know what they want, so you want to make sure you hold out of the man who wants you.
When I was a gung-ho journalist in my 20s, getting a master's degree in journalism from Columbia University, I had no idea I would become a dating coach someday. In fact, I had no idea dating coaches even existed.
But in my late 20s, I remember being frustrated because I wasn't able to find that special connection with a man. I was to blame, in part, because I had my own commitment fears, and I seemed to attract similar men.
But luckily, I learned about courtship around this time, and my whole life changed. I write more about this, on the Positively Positive blog, explaining how dating helped me evolve into my higher self.
Around this time, I became a dating coach to help other women, teaching them about the benefits of modern date courtship.
Check the blog out, and let me know what you think!
Tinder and other online dating sites can work like a charm.
In fact, approximately 80 percent of my clients have met boyfriends and husbands on Tinder, Match, Coffee Meets Bagel, Plenty of Fish, and other apps. Others have met through friends or real life.
Many women are still confused and making mistakes online, though. One area where women mess up is in their bios.
If you put the wrong stuff out there to the Tinder universe, you won't get the right stuff (Mr. Right) back.
Here are 5 things NOT to do:
💋 Don't include photos of you with anyone else.
Leave out photos of you with other friends (male or female). Eliminate family members (kids or parents or grandparents). Don't post snaps with your pets. Men want to see you, and only you. So many men tell me it drives them crazy when they see photos of women posing along with several others. Besides being confusing, it kills the mystery.
💋Don't write about what you don't want.
When you write about what you don't want on Tinder, you put out negative energy. When you say: "If you're a player, go away," men start to wonder what it is about your personality that attracts players. You also sound damaged, whether or not you are. Plus, even when you say you don't want a player, a player can still ask you out.
💋Don't include old photos in your profile.
Even nice men have told me they cut dates short when a woman misrepresents herself. Make sure you look awesome in your photos, as great as you would look on a date or on a night out on the town. You can put photos through a filter, but don't alter the photos too much.
💋 Don't show men a window into your soul too soon.
These men are strangers. Don't write a book. There are only a few details you need to include, such as age and locale, and a few hobbies and interests.
You can include your profession, but it's best to be general so men can't track you down too easily. You might even want to consider using an "online dating' name. It could be a middle name or a nickname. This keeps you somewhat anonymous, which is what you want in the beginning, until you know you're with a good guy. If you include your dating history, deep wants and desires, work triumphs, and major life epiphanies, you're oversharing. Your profile will start to sound like a Lifetime movie. At this early stage, think: "Short, sweet and upbeat."
💋 Don't lie about your age.
You want a man who wants someone who is your age. When I was a matchmaker, I was doing a search for a client who was 10 years younger, using my own profile, and listed my age as 10 years younger. After we stopped working together I forgot to change the age on that profile, and I ended up meeting and dating a man who approached me online. Even though we dated for many months, something was off about that relationship. I truly feel he would have been weeded out from Day 1 if I had listed my correct age.
One final tip: You need to be in it to win it, so make sure you try online dating.
If you'd like more online dating help, you can purchase an online dating package from me for $249, where I critique one online dating profile (photo and text). The package also includes 30 minutes of phone or email/text follow up.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org to sign up for that package, and write ONLINE DATING PACKAGE in the subject line.
I get it. I've been there. You're a busy smart woman with a full life who isn't sure she even has time to date.
Dating online and in real life— setting up profiles, responding to messages, attending singles-type events, and actually going on dates — can be like another full-time job.
This is why it's important to have a dating strategy.
If you follow these 3 essential tips, you will weed out time wasters very fast.
First of all:
1. Let a man ask you out first. Men know what they like. They have types. If they aren't moving a relationship forward by asking you out, cut your losses and move on to the one who asks you out.
2. Hold out for Saturday night dates. If a man isn't with you on Saturday nights, it means he's on the prowl for someone else or with someone else. (Exceptions are for work and family situations). Not all men get courtship — they may be spoiled — in which case you can subtly train a man to ask you out for Saturday night.
3. Don't see a man again if he asks you to pay or split the bill. When a man is very interested in you, and he's a good guy, he will pay. He will want to woo and impress you, and paying for you is a big part of this. A man who feels that special thing for a woman wants to provide and protect her. He wants to feed her.
If a man makes it through all these three hoops after several consistent Saturday night dates, this means you have a serious contender.
One of the most common questions I get from women is: "Where are the good single men?" These women don't just want any man, of course. But they want a cute guy who they have a connection with. They want to be in a relationship where there's a spark and where the relationship flows. They want to be loved and cherished by a good man.
It can seem like a tall order, for sure.
But men are everywhere. The good ones may be harder to find, but they're there. I tell ladies to do everything they can. Singles oriented events, as well as online dating sites are sure bets. If you're single and committed to finding a committed partner, you may have to make this search for Mr. Right a full-time job (or at least a side job).
Ask friends to set you up. Get into matchmaking databases. Mingle as much as possible. Go to events where you will be in the swim of things. Attend events where men go, like the car show in NYC.
You still have time to get there. It runs through this weekend and it's raining men for sure. Just go go go. He's out there. The world is abundant. You'll find him. Just keep at it. xoxo, Karenna