Get online! Get back on the horse.
That's the single best tip I can give you after a break-up. Hands down.
It’s what I told co-hosts Barb Hazelton and Jo Briggs who interviewed me as part of a massive divorce podcast series they put together.
One of the questions they asked me was whether a newly single person should wait before starting to date again.
The conventional wisdom is that after a break-up, you should take a lot of time to analyze what went wrong, and work on your issues before you date again. In my opinion, that’s wrong, for several reasons.
As a dating coach, I see too many people, ladies especially, waiting way too long to get back out there, and then several years go by and they wonder where the time went. Too often women spend way too much time analyzing a prior break-up, so much so that they spend years being angry at their ex, while he has already moved forward.
While I believe you should look inward and examine your role in the break-up or any issues you think you could improve upon, I also believe that getting back out there will make you feel better. You might find a good guy who will distract you and get you out of the negative funk you are in.
You can work on your issues and become a better person while you are navigating the dating waters. If you get back on the horse, and pace any new relationships - which is what I recommend to my dating coaching clients - you won’t be jumping back into the fire right away anyhow. You will be taking it slow, which is healthy.
You can’t go wrong if you take it slow.
On the video, I also discuss with Barb and Jo clothing tips and suggestions for those awkward first dates, and more.
Even if you aren’t divorced, but are simply single, these tips will no doubt be helpful.
To watch the video, click here.
I'd love to hear your ideas on the topic of dating immediately after a break-up, and
any other topics discussed in the blog or in the video. Post away below.
If you are newly single, or if you have been single for a while, you may need tools to help you find your Mr. Forever. Get in touch to apply for a 30-minute call where I can explain to you how I can help you find your Mr. Forever in the next year.
After you fill out the short application form, I will be in touch if I think we will be a good fit to work together, and I will schedule a call with you.
Don’t fret ladies, you aren’t alone.
In my work as a dating coach I meet many single women who have it all.
Beauty. Brains. A great career. A lifestyle to die for.
They have achieved so much, yet they haven’t been able to achieve their goal of finding Mr. Forever.
There are several reasons why many amazing women are still single, and while each one is different, I notice certain themes.
I was asked to appear this month on a radio show in Connecticut called the Anna and Raven show to help pretty producer Megan Stone find a guy.
She’s in her late 20s, and is beautiful and smart. But she hadn’t had a date in 6 years.
LISTEN TO THE SHOW
It turns out Megan is a bit of a workaholic, and that is one thing keeping her from meeting men.
She’s not getting out enough to events where single men may be, and she’s not very active on online dating sites.
Unfortunately, once you get beyond your mid-twenties, single men aren’t as plentiful as they might have been in college.
Finding your Mr. Forever is much more likely if you take action on your goal.
Even if you work a lot, like Megan and many other smart successful ladies, you need to put yourself out there. If meeting Mr. Forever is a priority, taking steps to meet him should be a priority as well.
Here are some action steps you can take this week:
Ladies, this list is just a start to help you to begin moving things along in the right direction.
Stay tuned for future blogs that reveal many more traits of a successful dater. After working with women as a dating coach for 15 years, I have noticed that women who are achieving their goal of finding Mr. Forever have several traits in common. Taking the right actions is one of the traits, and I will be going over the others in future blogs.
Get in touch to apply for a 30-minute call where I can explain to you how I can help you find your Mr. Forever in the next year. You can APPLY HERE.
Dreams Can Come True
They can happen to you, like they did for my client who married a "wonderful man" this holiday season.
She met him online about a year ago and joined my closed dating group in July.
He approached her online and asked her out quickly! "He talked to me first...rules all the way. He asked for my number with in 4 exchanges."
Usually, when a guy really likes you, he asks you out quickly. No use at all being pen pals with a guy online.
Check out the gorgeous ring and earrings she got when he proposed!
Ladies, hold out this coming New Year for the one who loves you back! Cheers!
Men Focus On Looks, Women Look At Everything
Men are picky about looks. Women are picky about everything.
One of the most fascinating things about being a dating coach and matchmaker is that I get to see - up close and personal - just how different men and women are.
I am not here to judge, but to point it out so men and women can learn from one another. It’s instructive for both sides to know what the other is thinking.
I have found that in the online dating arena, men really do focus on one thing: looks. You don’t have to be supermodel hot, but have to have their look. Women have to try to look good. Dumpy photos just don’t work.
When I speak to men, their main gripes center on attraction. They say the attractive women don’t respond back to their emails. Or that when they end up on a date with the woman, she looks less attractive than her picture. I know, cruel, right? But it’s what they tell me.
The women, on the other hand, have much more wide-ranging complaints. They tend to look at profiles and think about whether the man will make a good boyfriend and if they see something odd about the profile, or too sexual, they think he is only in it for a hook-up, and that he isn’t that smart, and they start losing interest.
Some of the things that drive women crazy include:
The bottom line is this:
If you are a man, it’s worth reading the list to see if you are a serious offender. Some of these transgressions are relatively minor - like taking a selfie in the bathroom. On the other hand, a guy with no photos, or with only a photo shading his face, immediately turns women off because they think you are hiding something, and they may be right.
As for what I would tell women, make sure you have an honest photo up that also shows you in the best light - great hair and makeup and clothes.
Online dating is visual. Men are visual. Put your best foot forward and be the best you can be on the outside. It’s not shallow. In the dating world, if you want to attract a man you have to be the best you can be. Take care of yourself and show off your best assets.
Women should also try to give guys who don’t put up perfect profiles a chance. Guys don't think about this stuff quite as much as women do. Meet him in person and then you will see.
Good luck dating out there and if you want to take your dating game to the next level - with inside tips on the opposite sex - schedule a consultation! My one-hour package includes four weekly follow up check ins!
A picture is worth a thousand words.
It's a cliche, but when it comes to online dating, that saying is so true.
Guys are visual, so your online dating photo is crucial. They are attracted to you physically or they aren't.
Use at least two photos for your online dating profile - a headshot and a full body shot. Have a professional photographer take the photos, and if that is not an option, have a friend do it. But make sure you glam up beforehand. Get a makeover (don't forget the false eyelashes, which make your eyes pop)! I can't tell you how many clients have changed their look, gotten professional photos taken, and gotten way more hits!
The written part of the profile is important too, but not in a way many women think. It's better to leave the heavy duty personal stuff out. They don't care - at least not right away - about your hopes and dreams. Just keep it very light, short, sweet and visual.
I know a Rules girl who uploaded a photo, went to write her profile and stopped halfway through because she got interrupted, and guys emailed her like crazy anyway. When men asked why her profile was sparse, she said she had been too busy to finish it, which was the truth! A rulesy answer if there ever was one.
If you say too much you run the risk of boring him. You lose your mystery. Don't get too deep here, even if you are deep, because guys aren't going to initially fall for you because you are deep, and they will be turned off if you get too intense or emotional, or are angry sounding.
The headline that goes with the profile should also be visual, it should describe you physically.
If you are inclined to write in your profile that you admire a humanitarian like Mother Teresa, perhaps hold off on that sentiment and include which celebrity you admire or which celeb you look like.
When I first put up an online profile, I consulted with Rules authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider about mine. In my original profile draft, I wrote that I admired Mother Teresa. Ellen and Sherrie told me to take that out and instead write that I admired Princess Di. This exchange is detailed in the original online dating rules book, "The Rules for Online Dating.'' Page 39 highlights our back and forth. I was fairly new to The Rules and didn't realize then just how visual my profile should be.
While I love Mother Teresa and will always admire what she has done for humanity, I realized then what they were getting at. Guys might appreciate Mother Teresa and her great deeds, but they probably wouldn't be attracted to her physically and would not want to date her. Through my words, I needed to convey hot, sexy, light and breezy.
You get the picture!
For more tips, contact Karenna Alexander at firstname.lastname@example.org
My Cat Is The Ultimate Rules Girl
There are two Rules girls living in my house.
Me and my gorgeous little kitty Pretty Girl.
Rules behavior is hard wired in her.
I, on the other hand, learned The Rules from "The Rules" books and working with authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.
Pretty Girl is what we call a natural Rules girl, so I'm dedicating this blog to her.
She's beautiful to me, bad breath and all. Because she is so cute, with shiny hair, and has gorgeous green eyes, I can just stare at her, in awe. I overlook her flaws. Bad breath is cute. When she's being bad, she's still adorable and I love her.
She scampers away sometimes when I try to pet her and it cracks me up. I don't get irritated at her for running away from me. I think it's funny and cute.
She's sociable, but always leaves us wanting more. She will hang out with a crowd of guests, but not for long. We pet her but she gets up and leaves gracefully, usually leaving everyone wanting more of her.
She takes care of herself. She is always cleaning, primping.
She is not clingy and when she does hang out with me, I cherish the time with her. When she does come to me, and rub against me and hang out for a while, I am so happy she's there because she is usually so independent and has so many other places around the house that she enjoys hanging out. Usually she's the one leaving my lap gracefully, and when I do have to get up first, she gets the hint right away and bolts.
She's independent and never jealous. We are often wondering: "Where did Pretty Girl go?" She's not a groupie who we can't get rid of.
She's not whiny and doesn't nag. Sometimes, if she wants food and I'm not ready, she'll meow, but only once or twice. Somehow she knows nagging doesn't work.
She leaves me alone when I'm sick. Somehow she senses that I need to be alone. I'm so thankful she is not needy when I'm sick and have nothing to give. She senses something is wrong. I still love her but want to deal with being sick alone.
She loves fur and leopard, just like me. I can't put my fur (fake fur) vests or coats on a table or a couch because she will almost immediately lie on top of them! She likes her luxurious fabrics.
Just one look at her and I'm in a better mood. Even when I'm in a bad mood, I look at her staring at me with her funny curious face, and I have to smile.
She's so easy to be with. And easy to take care of. All she needs is food, water and her liter box and she is OK alone for long stretches of time.
She likes to play with kids, but when the kids all run off with each other, she isn't jealous. She hangs out by herself, happily. Soon, the kids come to her again, though, and she can't get rid of them.
She makes the best of a situation. She goes with the flow. Once she got locked into a closet accidentally for an afternoon. We could not find her for hours. She didn't make a fuss. She may have tried to get out but when she realized it was no use, she lay down and took a nap. When we finally found her in the closet, she was napping. So cute.
Here's to Pretty Girl. You are a delightful cat who I love to death. You are a terrific example of what it means to play hard to get, and you are graceful and beautiful and confident - a true Rules girl.
He Said That!?
This blog post is for men and women who are dating online.
Men, after you read it, you will have a better feel for what turns off women.
Women, don't worry, you are not alone. We all get ridiculous emails from potential suitors online. We've all been there.
Below are actual words taken from guy's online dating profiles and emails to women.
In Men's Dating Profiles
I see London, I see France, I see your underpants.
My age is 59. I don't live in NYC, my son does. I'm profiled here because I'm always surrounded by women I'm attracted to when I visit him. Perhaps I can actually meet one of you this way.
I am quite an athlete. In fact I was in the 1992 Olympics. I competed in the origami event, which you probably didn't see because it was only available on paper view.
My dating REFUND policy; If we go out and you don’t have the best date ever, I will withdraw my subscription to this site if I don't live up to your expectations.
Emails From Men To Potential Dates:
Dont know what to say ...if i saw u across a room sumwhere i dont think i could go over n say hallo. You have a beauty to you you have a draw that brings on observers eye to you..............,
Sure all the other guys are great..they tell you so..But you know down deep all guys are basically the same..The other guys use their shiny lures as bait... They love candle light dinners..holding hands walking along a moonlit beach.. shopping endlessly for shoes and handbags at your favorite mall. They have cars, boats, condos in the islands and of course they're connected..... yeah, yeah, yeah In two years they're the same old bs artist as your last man. You want a real man, I tell it like it is...I like to sit on the couch and watch tv in my mothers basement.
You have a beautiful smile!
I'm going out on a limb here and not sure if I should do this but I want to offer you a 1 - 1.5 hr massage near a warm fire. I'm an ex Physical Therapist that gives massages in my home, and I would love to have you as a steady client! No charge and as often as you would like a massage!
Well at least a few times a month :-)
I know it's a very unusual offer and I hope you don't take it the wrong way but it is a much longer and much nicer experience with the fire and the length of the massage compared to going to a salon and spending $100 for a basic 30 - 45 minute massage. If you try it and like it I have no problem giving you a great massage on a regular basis.
My name is (redacted) and I would love to be your Personal Masseur.
And we can meet first if you'd like to see that I am a very normal guy, just looking to pamper you on my massage table :-)
if you weigh less than 130 I am interested
Guys, some of you have quite a bit of work to do if you want to get a nice girl. Here are a few quick pointers. Trust us on these:
1. The photos of you next to tigers aren't as exciting to us as you might think. And because so many guys seem to be putting up profiles of themselves next to tigers, it doesn't even make you stand out.
2. We don't want to see you with your shirts off, at least not before we meet you.
3. We love that you love your kids, but uploading photos of your kids, or photos of you with your kids, is wrong on so many levels. We aren't going to date you based on what your kids look like. And is that really fair to them, to have their photos on a dating site?
4. A wink is really lame.
5. A wink without a photo is even lamer. Why would anyone return a wink without a profile photo? There is nothing to go on there except a username. That's a step below walking by a woman at a bar and winking at her but never starting a conversation with her.
Women, do you have any funny emails from online guys that you would like to share? We would love to hear about them in the comments section below. And guys, if you see yourself in some of these posts, please contact us at email@example.com or follow Karenna on Twitter @coachkarenna for some pointers. Let me be your personal trainer for dating!
Own Your Situation
When you are out at a speeddating event, or corresponding with a guy online, make sure you OWN IT.
By that, I mean make no excuses for being out and about, trying to find your match, your true love. It's a worthy goal and too many people act as if they are embarrassed to be at a singles event or dating online.
I see the opposite of not owning it all the time, and it's not pretty. It's a turn-off, whether you are a woman or a man.
I have seen this behavior at singles mixers when I hear guys say:
"Oh, I'm here because my friend said I should be here tonight, I didn't even know what this was, he just said I had to show up. So that's the only reason why I'm here."
Or at speeddating events, a woman will say: "I never would have done speeddating. The sole reason I am doing it is because I was at the bar and the organizer told me she was short a person."
Or online, when a guy will say: "What are you doing on Match? Can't you meet people in real life?"
If you are single, and making an effort to meet someone, you need to own it. Man or woman.
We women know how much we like confident guys. The same is true of them-they like self-assured girlfriends and wives.
Here are five of my tips for being more confident, in general.
1. Looking good cannot be underestimated. If you look good, you feel good. I'm big on working on the inside, but I also believe in spending time making yourself look great on the outside. Makeup, hair, clothes, working out, etc. etc. etc. It's never ending, but it's worth it. It's not shallow.
2. Surround yourself with people who support you. This can be easier said than done. But you have to try to be with people who build you up, who love you, support you. Sometimes it takes time to detach from negative people. But once you have supportive people around you, your life will be so much easier.
3. Eat well. It's so easy to get tripped up here. Tempting high calorie foods and drinks are everywhere.
If you are a sugar addict, like I was, or hooked on some other type of bad food, you may have to quit cold turkey.
If you aren't ready to do that yet, try adding in the good stuff - like a green juice or a large plate of vegetables. Filling up on healthy foods - especially vegetables - causes you to eat less of the bad.
Eating nutritiously cannot be underestimated for reasons going beyond controlling your weight - the right foods can be healing and give you incredible energy.
4. Gratitude lists are huge. They fill you up with good stuff, and get you to focus on the positive. Just as with eating, I suggest adding in the good stuff instead of beating yourself up for having negative thoughts. Either write down the things you are thankful for or check the list off in your head. Or you can download a gratitude app.
5. Act AS IF. Some days, we all want to crawl into a hole. We feel ugly and fat and it's raining and your hair is frizzy. Those are the days to channel your inner movie star. How would Angelina navigate this speeddating event? Faking it til you make it often works.
If you act "as if," eat right, work on the outside and the inside, you will be much more self-assured in the dating world. For more help in these areas - dating, eating healthy, looking good and feeling good - I'm here to help. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter at @coachkarenna Let me be your personal trainer for dating!
I give smart successful women tools to weed out time-wasters and teach them how to find their Mr. Rights.